WHERE LOVE OVERFLOWS.

You asked why I seem to be repressed…And I can’t find a credible source from where to draw my answer.

This trying-to-be-happy facade all the time. Sometimes the wall I’ve erected around me comes crumbling down. It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes, before I even realize what’s going on, there I am–naked and defenseless and totally confused. At times like that I always feel like exploding, to veer from the norms. But I’m so afraid…

My heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, full to the banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Every time I see a flood like that on the news, I tell myself: That’s it. That’s my heart.

Overflowing with love, no one to take it. Flooded with sadness.

And I thought I could answer your question. But I feel you’re not interested in the answer. And I’m sorry that you only had to see the facade.

I wish you had known me…

AMIHAN…

Iyah, in red, the last time I saw her with Trish.

Laid To Rest.Wednesday, August 16th.

It was the only word that lingered that morning, translating the cries of her mom during her funeral.
Amihan - it was Iyah’s real name.
It almost hurt to look at that far-off blue sky above Manila Memorial Park from the covered ground where we stood - thinking if Amihan was somewhere up there looking down at us.

How ironic it was to gather ourselves, old friends, in the presence of her white, wooden casket. We figured: hadn’t she resigned from the workplace we all used to inhabit (where I was their Team Manager), could we have altered her destiny?..
On that same day she passed away, would she have been relishing Starbucks coffee instead while we happily stayed at the Podium 4 of RCBC Plaza (a habit we never overcame) after shift - with Larissa, June, Trish, Bea, me, Kino, etc..?
Or maybe Trish was driving her home by then..
Maybe not. Maybe God really had planned for it to take place, to let her pass away without any pain. She slept and never awoke… In this cruel world, HE chose not to let Iyah suffer from the inevitable: betrayal, sickness, deception.

I’ll always remember Iyah - the funny way she ate her words, how she nagged me on having to cease my unhealthy smoking habit, the many times she joked on Pringles :), or when her O.T.’s were not paid correctly… Or when we both found ourselves reading Kafka’s "The Metamorphosis." I used to not understand her sometimes, but on that day, I came to understand that her youth was not an excuse to take Kafka for granted (like the so-many twentyish who stared at me to oblivion when I mentioned his name to them- *gRiN*)

At the funeral, there was a loving warmth in the way her mom hugged us, one by one. It was one of the tightest hugs I had so far, something that never wanted to let go of me, like that of a toddler’s being left by his mother on his 1st day in kindergarten. I was thinking, I truly wished Iyah was inside her mom at that moment, clouting her with her soul so that for the last time we could embrace her longer than ever - as we meant all the tears we shed for her..

This is the 2nd time I came to appreciate my life even more. After my operation,nothing is ever more uplifting than to wake up each passing day seeing the sunshine. And I thank HIM.
Let it be the last gathering of old friends because someone has passed away. That was in my mind when we sat on the low bench behind Iyah’s resting place. Calmly watching a tiny butterfly circling us.

I’m writing this at 3 in the morning, my mind and soul conversing with her - Amihan - to give me her inspiration, anticipating another blank text message coming from her Globe number.

When she reads this, let each word speak for itself, expressing to her in solitude how much we all loved her fron the first day she became a part of our lives. And still we love her.

www.bittersweetcharisse.blogspot.com

Passing Thought of a Dismal Thinker…

Kafka said :
"A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.."

hmmm…must be true..must be a deception by his own dislike of his life…

WHEN FAITH STRAYS..

Time for me to consult THE ALCHEMIST tonight.
I feel the rage of faithlessness brewing in my soul right now.
I can’t find my BIBLE.

And later view Tyler Durden again in DVD.
Got some money in my account today, it’s payday!
But I’d like to hear him say that piece again: YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR BANK….